It’s Mother’s Day month, and since we have all had mothers, I thought I’d write on the topic of the “mother wound.” Let me first say that I believe there are no perfect mothers. In my mind, doing it perfectly is impossible. A mother will never know the life pressures and expectations that partially govern the generation they are raising. A mother will also carry unconscious wounds from her childhood, which often dictate their interactions with their child. So, have an open mind about what you will read next. I am using a class I took, How to Heal the Mother Wound, from the DailyOM (dailyom.com), as a springboard for my thoughts on this subject. (Guys, I will address fathers in my June newsletter.)
We all have mothers, but there are different types—bio mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, godmothers, and grandmothers. And then, some unrelated women come into our lives to fill a motherly role. We were lucky if we had the type of “mother” who took an interest in us and contributed to our becoming capable and strong women.
However, many of us carry a mother wound, and that wound can be as complex as the way in which that wound was inflicted. In the How to Heal the Mother Wound class, they stated there were three categories of mothers who inflict wounds – the Overbearing Mother, the Absent Mother, and the Attacking Mother. Lately, you might have heard about generational trauma. Mothers, often unconsciously, pass their traumas to their daughters. How the wounds manifest in each of their daughters’ lives is entirely subjective. If you have watched the Hallmark series, The Chicken Sisters, you will have seen how sisters May and Amanda manifested the wounds from their mother, Gus, differently. Gus never talked about feelings and never showed concern for the feelings of her daughters. May moved far away and reinvented herself while hiding her roots. When she found the love of her life, she lied to get him to love her and then feared she didn’t know who he really loved. Her younger sister, Amanda, married the first boy she kissed to escape her mother’s home. It ended up to be an empty marriage, but Amanda feared leaving because by staying in her marriage, she could keep her relationship with her mother-in-law, who nurtured and mothered Amanda in the way she always wanted to be cared for. To Gus, her daughter’s leaving reinforced the rejection she’d experienced earlier in life. Though she loved her daughters, she remained emotionally and physically unavailable to them. I imagine there will be a breakthrough at the end of the series.
The class material quoted psychologist Marion Woodman. “Children not loved for who they are do not learn how to love themselves. Their growth is an exercise in pleasing others, not in expanding through experience.” There’s our Hallmark plot right there.
When I started out as a therapist, I worked with children and families in foster care and in the welfare system. Lots of trauma history there. Later, as I worked solely with adults, I became more interested in adult attachment problems showing up at work and in relationships. I like the work of Diane Poole Heller, author of The Power of Attachment. She claims adults can learn secure attachment skills. She took attachment theory and devised a teaching model for changing perception, reaction, and relational styles.
Tip: Sit quietly to call up memories of the women who were the mothers in your life (mother, grandmothers, great-grandmothers). Recall a story, or imagine one, where these women might have received wounds in their developmental histories, then carried them to pass on to their daughters. Imagine them as little girls whose life circumstances might have left them with unfulfilled needs. How might have their mothers left them with wounds? As always, I prefer you journal and write this out.
If something uncomfortable comes up, let that sit for a few days before coming back to it. When you come back, try to have a compassionate heart for each woman and the hardships that might have shaped the woman they became. Compassion always helps me see things differently and can minimize feelings of shame, hurt, and anger. It is easier to comprehend that any harm inflicted by our mothers, or the mother before her, was more about their life experiences than it was about us. You were always worthy of their love, worthy of their resources, and worthy of the freedom to make your own life choices. Do your best to let go of your childhood narrative about who you are, so you can create a new narrative about yourself, knowing you now have the power to give yourself what you need. Without perception shifts and healing of this primary wound, your unconscious perceptions and behavioral patterns will play out in your primary relationships and into your workplace.
If you can forgive your mother, you can also forgive yourself for the mothering you gave to your child that fell short of ideal. It’s hard to look at our shortcomings. Notice how your child is reacting during your interactions. There is a message there. Make an effort to change your interaction style. Take responsibility for your part and apologize if you need to. Remember Gus and her daughters? Her wound caused her to close off. To feel safe from uncomfortable feelings, Gus wouldn’t allow herself to be vulnerable again.
Healing a break in a relationship takes time. Be patient. Get counseling if the wound is too painful to even look at. The deeper the wound, the more help you might need. However, you deserve to heal. Do this for yourself, your child, and future generations to come.
*** As always, this article is not meant to be a replacement for mental health treatment. Lifeline is a 24-hour nationwide service that provides access to crisis support, suicide prevention, and mental health support services. It can be reached at 13 11 14.
