Forgiving a Father

It wasn’t until I entered Evergreen State College in my mid-twenties that I thought about the human development of a male. Evergreen’s style of teaching required you to write and share your personal experiences of what you were learning with your classmates. Much of the subject matter triggered a deeper reflection on who we were and how we got there. As the males shared, it opened my eyes to universal struggles faced by all genders. That awareness continued during my Master’s in Psychology/Counseling Program at Antioch University in Seattle.

During an internship counseling session in Tacoma, WA, I came to realize the man in front of me had murdered his girlfriend in my hometown many years prior. But, as I listened to his struggles, my compassion brought the empathy and understanding I needed to see him as a human being who lived much of his life in confusion and pain. How he got to be where he was, and the daily struggle he faced because he no longer wanted to be that person, touched my heart.

All my experiences have helped me forgive my father after becoming “adult” enough to know his inabilities stemmed from his inadequacies and not mine. He meant no malice. This made it easier to provide care for him during the later years of his life. By then, I could see aspects of my father that I admired. After all, he was raised by a father who left home at 13 and married at 16 years of age. Dad had two siblings die between him and his older sister. He did not talk about his childhood, but I can imagine what might have shaped him during his developmental years, which he had no control over.

During my struggles with how my parents shaped me, I read the book, I Ain’t Much Baby But I’m All I Got by Jess Lair, PHD. Lair wrote, “Shame on my parent for making me this way. Shame on me if I stay this way.” I take responsibility for consciously shaping who I am today.

“Fathering” has changed in the last three decades. I know that what I’m writing is a generalization, because demographics play a big part in what is the “norm” for fathering. What we call “modern fathers” are more involved in childcare and household chores than in previous generations. I love this because a father who puts his child to bed, reads them a story, and has snuggle-time will most likely bond with their child for life. A father’s greater emotional presence enhances a child’s self-esteem, and the father will more likely become attuned to their child’s emotional needs. The traditional model of fatherhood has also changed since there are more divorces, single-parent fathers, and an increase in stay-at-home dads. I’m inclined to think fathers who are more involved in raising their daughters are more sensitive to gender equality, as well.

My son, although not perfect (but who can be with the pressures of parenting), has been a wonderful father to his two girls. He was involved in their early development and daily care. He started family game nights or around-the-table discussions, making them teachable moments. As a protector, he enforces appropriate rules for their age, but can be a fun and silly dad, as well. He makes an effort to influence the girls to build healthy habits that nurture their bodies and minds. I am proud of him and also envious of what the girls have had that I didn’t have from a father.

Tips:

· Try to see the father of your children or the father of your grandchildren through the eyes of compassion. They feel a similar burden of being a good parent as you have. Remember, we come into this job without a guidebook.

· Take note of when they hit the mark in their parenting that reflects their efforts to be nurturing, instructive, and respectful. Give them praise to reinforce what you see. “Did you see how Sally’s eyes lit up when you praised her?” “That was a difficult situation, but you handled it well.”

· If you are in a position to do so, offer a helping hand. Take something off their plate, if they are amenable to it. “How about I take the boys this weekend to give you time to take off some of your to-do list and then have a night out with your wife?”

· Talking to someone about their parenting is a delicate matter. You want to empower them and not shame them. Even admitting your mistakes as a parent could help level things up.

​Book Review: Elizabeth’s Mountain by Lucille Guarino is a beautifully written story told from the dual point-of-view of Elizabeth, the grandmother, and Amanda, her adult granddaughter who lives with Elizabeth as her health fades. As Elizabeth reaches the end of her life, she has to decide if she will sell the home she came to as a young bride in the 1950s. Both women love living in the house surrounded by the Blue Ridge Mountains. This setting serves as an emotional sanctuary for both. Since my age is closer to Elizabeth’s, I saw how fortunate Elizabeth was to have Amanda move in with her in a time of decline. For Amanda, it was no sacrifice. She acted out of love, benefiting as well from the mountains being her place for recovery and reflection. It was a sweet read all the way through.

​My Book’s Journey: I had a fantastic book launch party that also marked my 75-years-of-living. Both were substantial accomplishments. Now comes the reality of trying to get the book into the hands of readers. I have a contract to fulfill with my publisher, who counts on book sales to keep in business. Selling books and learning how to market them is now becoming a time-consuming job. Since I love learning about people and believe in the value of my story, I feel book events and book club discussions will be a joy to be involved in. Contact me if you want my involvement in either.