When I look back on my life, during times of restlessness, when the need for change vibrated within me, I am glad I listened. As a young person, I looked outside myself for external support. I absorbed the words of Napoleon Hill, Wayne Dyer, and other motivational speakers while taking long walks, earbuds planted in my ears and my Walkman in hand. When I made a change, fear and insecurity didn’t automatically dissipate. Yet, each time I implemented a decision and weathered the aftermath, I proved to myself I was capable and strong enough not to break under the enormity of the situation. However, when I was younger, it was more of a singular challenge that needed attention, like leaving a terrible marriage. Back then, societal dogma weighed heavily on my choices (remember, I am seventy-four). Leave him and feel the shame of failure, or stay and have my self-esteem further stripped, making my future existence unbearable. Big changes are never easy.
Now, in my mid-seventies, I am in a loving, supportive marriage. We are financially secure; I have both old and new friends, and activities that nourish my soul and satisfy my creative itch. Yet, I am feeling an internal struggle. I am a deep thinker (a curse), an empath, and I’m prone to worry. Lately, anger and frustration have occupied my thoughts. Feelings of global and personal injustice often overwhelm me. Some of it stems from health issues. Fatigue can make you look at the world as a “half-empty” place. That is not my preferred state of mind. Here is the thing, though! I have some painful, rare disorders that mainly affect women. The medical community has failed us, shamed us, and given poor advice from outdated research. That frustration has my mind leaping to concerns about the trend of suppressing women again. Immediately, I became concerned about my granddaughter’s future. From there, my mind spirals further out to our country, having higher rates of cancer and immune disorders in young people than ever before. As a country, we have continued to let lobbyists put into place policies that support profit over the health of the people. This saddens me. I want future generations to have access to safe food, clean air and water, and not have annual environmental disasters affecting thousands of people every year.
As these thoughts take off, I feel overwhelmed. So, I’ve had to do some soul-searching. I know the stress I feel about these matters will continue if all I do is complain (I don’t like being “that” person), but if I take action, demands upon my time and the stress attached might not be good for my health. My plate is already full with a ridiculous, time-consuming health regime to keep my progressive diseases from progressing. Then there is my obligation to my publisher, and, then, of course, I want to maintain my relationships and not shirk my responsibilities at home.
As difficult as it might be, I will follow my previous path of being a change agent. I told my husband, “In my remaining years, I plan to be an advocate for the change I desperately want for future generations, especially for women.” I am not fully sure what that will look like yet, but my first step has been to write letters to my senators.
Your irritating whisper may call you in a different direction. What is the change you are called to make? It will be up to you to listen or not, to act on the call or not. Here are some steps you might use when deciding what it is you are called to change and what you will do.
- Take some time to be with yourself in a quiet space, free from distractions. Ask yourself, what is your turmoil trying to communicate? Why now? Once you have an answer, sit with it. Anxiety will accompany the desire to change. That’s normal. What do you see as the risks involved? How might you minimize what you think are the risks involved?
- Change may require support. Do some initial exploration of what is available to you. Support could come from a Google search (be cautious), a club, a church, an organization, a friend who went through something similar, a therapist, etc. I believe that once you claim a desire, you should be on the lookout for a serendipitous moment that will reveal a solution or provide direction.
- Recognize that someone else has the same need. You are not alone.
- When overwhelmed, step back. Go out into nature, do something creative, or whatever helps you clear your mind. Re-establish your values. All of this can renew your sense of purpose.
- Keep a notebook designated for recording what you have learned, for the resources you’ve found, and to record and challenge perceptions. Note your internal and external progress.
***Disclaimer: This advice is not a substitute for seeking mental health assistance. If you have the desire to harm yourself or someone else, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 800-273-TALK. There is no shame in asking for help.
