Life Transitions: May is Mother’s Day month, so I’d like to talk about how being a mother can change over time. At my age, I have grappled with what happens when you age out of the role of functioning as a mother. Believe me, the desire to mother can be an innate part of your personality… a part of your love language. This article may exclude those who have chosen not to become mothers and for those who could not, even when the desire was there. However, if you read on, you may gain compassion for a friend or relative in a similar situation addressed here.
I have been pondering how women deal with transitioning out of the role of being a biological mother when a child/children they have raised and/or when the grandchildren they jumped in to love and provide for, no longer see them as a relevant part of their lives. You’ve probably heard that a parent has done their job if the child has grown to no longer need them. I am in agreement, but no one talks about how the parent might experience this loss when this happens.
Let me tell you a story. About 25 years ago, when I was working for a hospital’s Employee Assistance Consortium and providing assessment and brief therapy, an older woman came in who was dealing with unresolved grief. She had lost her husband, and as a result, lost her way in life. Throughout her marriage, she had supported every bit of her husband’s advancing career, managing their household, and raising their only child. Her focus had solely been to serve her immediate family so they could become successful in their lives. With her husband gone, she had lost her purpose. What triggered her coming in to counseling was a response from her grown daughter. In her distraught state, she had asked her daughter, who lived across the country, if she could come out for a visit. The daughter balked at the idea and said the widow was too needy and would have to pick herself up and move on with her life. Her daughter, swamped with the demands of her career, stretched thin, coordinating the granddaughter’s active life, and was often overwhelmed with managing the needs of her household, all the while supporting her husband’s career, which frequently took him away from home. Thus, her daughter had little patience for her mother’s ongoing distress. Sounds cold… but wait.
Over the next few sessions, this widow gained more empathy for her daughter’s situation and began to see her daughter’s response was not a rejection, but a call to take action in rebuilding her life. This woman had never developed a support network for herself or outside interests. She had always found satisfaction in staying busy by taking care of her husband and household. After validating her competencies and skills, we explored what brought her joy. Then we focused on finding a new purpose in her life and how adding people could contribute to her wellbeing. We even explored the undeveloped interests she had put aside to serve her family. I had suggested volunteerism.
As often with brief, solution-focused therapy, I didn’t see her again. Then months later she came back in to share her progress. She radiated with years lifted from her appearance because of the engaging sparkle in her eyes. She reported she had been volunteering at the zoo and loved everything about it. The staff and other volunteers had become like her extended family. This woman found exactly what she needed to have a fulfilling and rich life after a dark time. I also assumed that a large organization that relied on volunteers was skilled at showing appreciation for the contribution of their volunteers. The cherry on top of this endeavor was that her granddaughter was eager to come out for a visit in the summer so she could volunteer at the zoo alongside her grandmother. Action step: Life transitions are about personal choices. When change happens outside your control, it’s helpful to think that when something is lost, it will create a space for something else to take its place. You have to decide what to put there.