Life Transition:
“To be nobody-but yourself-in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else-means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” ~ e.e. cummings.
We have so many messages in our developmental years that inform us of who we are or who we should be that it is not surprising it can take years to find our true selves and to reach acceptance of who we know ourselves to be. That acceptance will need to include our appearance, our personality traits, our temperament, the frustrating habits we’ve acquired, and the unique view of life we carry. And then don’t forget all the missteps we’ve made along the way which might need our forgiveness. Also, to reach acceptance, we will have to accept we are flawed and yet, that we are also perfect.
If we could get through the struggle and reach this place of respectfully accepting ourselves, we might then give others the latitude to find and become their perfect and imperfect self.
Some of you were fortunate to grow up in families who reinforced your positive traits and supported your individuality. This allowed you to be uniquely yourself while providing a sense of inclusion into the family unit. For those who looked like the rest of their family, this cohesiveness provided a natural sense of belonging. Often, the larger the family, the easier it was to recognize each person had unique qualities. As people talked about those qualities, whatever they said shaped your perception of yourself…positively or negatively. Some families had expectations that all members needed to follow certain patterns (spoken or unspoken). Conformity might make self-discovery more difficult or delay the process until the person moves beyond the boundaries of their family. That distance could allow them to see themselves differently or see options for “being” that weren’t available before. New experiences could be transformative, yet change has the potential to disrupt the family’s ecosystem.
As a parent, I realized as soon as our child reached a certain age, he switched his focus to connecting with others outside the family. We saw the influence of others when our child entered school. The teacher becomes the all-knowing one, their peer group becomes those they emulate, and we can’t forget the influence of social media. As our children enter the larger world, they compare themselves to others to see where they stand or who matches who they know themselves to be. We can put safety measures in place, but it is natural for them to belong in groups outside the family as they grow within the world at large. I understand why some parents fear this process, but it is a necessary part of discovering who you are as a separate, unique individual. Don’t forget that our understanding of ourselves continues to change throughout our lives as new experiences provide more feedback.
When you don’t receive what you need to build a positive foundation to build your view of yourself, it is never too late to create that foundation. I remember a quote from Jess Lear, who wrote, I Ain’t Much Baby But I’m All I Got. Shame on my parent for making me this way, but shame on me if I stay this way. Once you become an adult, you can take ownership of your ongoing development. Who you know yourself to be will be from the choices you make. Self-discovery will happen along the way. Confidence in who you are and your capabilities will grow from the work you put into self-development.
It’s a good practice to come back and check in with yourself, to see if what you are doing is a good fit for who you are now. Acceptance will follow, though it’s not easy because self-correction is not always fun. I cycle in and out of self-acceptance, especially with the aging process and health conditions requiring that I redefine my abilities. I keep adjusting views and attitudes, though I fight to do so. However, I know I will be happier and more at peace within myself if I do.
Life Transition Tip: It takes a certain amount of experimentation to find yourself. Give yourself permission to play and discover. Once you know what feels right for you, let go of what doesn’t fit you, any longer. There are a few chick flicks made with this theme…usually a woman who conformed to the preferences of others, so much so, that she lost touch with her preferences…to the point she didn’t even know how she liked her eggs cooked. Fear of rejection plays a role there. Self-worth is a part of self-acceptance and so is setting boundaries. Self-acceptance is an attractive quality because when you are at home with who you are, you are more likely to extend the compassion you have given yourself to others. I can’t say I have a solid grip on self-acceptance, but I will continue to fight the good fight.